[video]

[greatwork]

[So as the feed turns on, it won't show the person recording. Instead, it will pan over several rather detailed anatomical sketches of several Digimon- Gazimon and Tailmon, Greymon and Kimeramon, Devidramon and Damemon... It seems, after a while, like most of the Digimon inhabiting the city have been drawn here. Each of the sketches also has several notes attached, along the lines of 'strong bite' or 'heat ray from hands', or 'weak vision'.

Rather than turning the camera to show herself, Alex will just talk from off-screen]

So, since a certain fuckhead of a biologist dropped off the face of the Earth before he got me the information he was supposed to, I've been working on a project of my own. A Digimon encyclopedia of sorts, all known ones, their abilities and hopefully weaknesses if we know those, too. Spread the knowledge and give everyone a better chance to survive whatever bollocks shows up this time. Any information on Digimon capabilities would help, if you lot care to share it.

Though, I did notice something while I was doing these.

[She shuffles the papers around until several Digimon drawings are on top- Sakuyamon Miko Mode, Lilimon, Bastemon, Lotusmon, and Darcmon, specifically.]

I get that Digimon are apparently spawned from the data from the internet. That explains why most of them appear to have recognizable forms rather than being completely alien to us, I think, something like Gazimon could have been given form by data on canine form and behavior. There's also a bunch of cat-looking ones, and since most of human output is total shit, I think that explains the Damemon as well.

But why the hell are most of the humanoid Digimon I've seen so far all women, and on top of that, they all look like that? Tits and bikinis, the lot of them. Even Lilimon is an inch of skirt away from showing the world if Digimon get underwear data or not. Where, exactly, is this Digital World getting its data on humans from? Why the fuck is it so skewed right towards knockers the size of my head and wearing less than a street corner hooker? Is this place just getting its data on humans from adult sites, or have I just been extremely unfortunate in my encounters so far?

Comments

[greatwork]

... A rocket launcher.

[hellspawnedhero]

Yup. A beauty, too. I got to borrow her for a while and damn was she useful.

[greatwork]

It's like you're trying to prove my point for me...

Not to mention, giving a fucking rocket launcher pronouns like that is really kind of creepy.

[hellspawnedhero]

The thing had a name, so it's only fair, right? Besides, ya call boats by feminine pronouns.

And trust me, I doubt Lady would've given me the rocket launcher if it was her only weapon even if she was staying out of the big finale. She's a hell of a shot with a handgun and a machine pistol, too.

[greatwork]

No, you call boats that, I refer to them as things I don't want to be anywhere near.

I can practically hear the crying of a thousand theurges. Bloody assholes that they are, they deserve it, but still.

[hellspawnedhero]

What's theurgy got to do with anything? Aside from the fact that a lot of demons end up summoned through rituals.

[greatwork]

If a gun can kill a demon, the need for protective rituals and talismans just plummeted. To my reading, that's more than half of the work involved.

[hellspawnedhero]

A gun can kill a demon if it doesn't kill you first. Which is a damn good thing, since holy water's about the only common human magic left and even that's not easy to get your hands on.

And of course, we're only talking about the ones that can just pop up here. There's a reason Lady had to bow out before the main event. But for your run of the mill things that go bump in the night, a bullet to the head works just as well as a demonic sword to the face.

[greatwork]

Which means a restraining circle and a threat should work just as well as the special bells and incantations and whatever special tools the Goetic cockmunchers demand.

[hellspawnedhero]

True. Hell, personally, I prefer to skip the restraining circle and knock a demon on its ass if we need to have a chat. But then, theurgy isn't what I would call my strong suit, magically speaking.

See, this is part of why I don't care for religion. For the most part, humans know shit about the supernatural and just like to make stuff up to make it sound more impressive. That, or they look at the cream of the crop and think it applies to the small fry too. It's only the really powerful ones that can take a bullet to the head and keep on going.

[greatwork]

I don't care for religion because everyone involved on both ends has their heads up their goddamn arses.

So, I think I've got the answer, but just to confirm. Since you talk about humans like you aren't one, what are you, then?

[hellspawnedhero]

Aaaaand there's the rest of the reason!

Me? I'm half human, half demon. Well, was. Kinda lacking in the demonic powers department right now.

[greatwork]

... How does that even work? Did you graft demon parts to yourself or something? Or were your parents...?

[hellspawnedhero]

I've seen people do shit like that, but no. I'm the real deal. My father was a traitor to the demon world who fell in love with a human woman.

[greatwork]

Okay, but... That's still sort of... Biologically extremely inadvisable, how would she even...

[Please hold, you appear to have shorted her out.]

[hellspawnedhero]

Shapeshifting. My old man could change his body so that he looked like any normal human with lousy fashion sense.

[greatwork]

And that automatically makes his sperm viable for a human? In the first place, should demons even be able to reproduce on their own, much less with humans? This makes no fucking sense.

KEYWORDS KEYWORDS!

[hellspawnedhero]

*Okay, this has officially reached a context that he did not ever want to think about his father in.*

Considering I've met full demon twins, I'm guessing yeah, they can have kids. And it ain't like pops was some kinda horrible blob or energy demon. His form was pretty close to that of a human and nothing about it was innately harmful.

I am somewhat sorry.

[greatwork]

Even if his form resembled a human superficially...

[Frustrated sigh.]

Ahhh, fuck it. There's no real point in going on about it- You're a full human here, so you're worthless as a study, and he's not here to study either, and even if he was he'd be in the same position as you.

Congratulations, you made the professional demon slayer need brain bleach.

[hellspawnedhero]

Don't think I'm too keen on being someone's research specimen anyway. And if pops shows up I'll probably die of shock, considering he's been dead for a few decades.

That or go certifiably insane. Thanks for a whole lot of mental images I didn't need, kid.

Do I get a prize?

[greatwork]

Oh, like that would be the weirdest thing that's happened here.

No problem. Don't whine so much, they were valid questions.

The prize is Dante's pain.

[hellspawnedhero]

Valid questions about my parents' reproductive abilities. How about I start askin' you about how it's possible for your parents to get it on and have a kid?

A good prize.

[greatwork]

My parents are both completely mundane humans, so if you really have to ask that, I question why no one's given you that talk yet.

It's a popular one.

[hellspawnedhero]

*Facepalm.*

That ain't the point. Imagine you were the one with weird parents, bein' asked these kinds of questions.

[greatwork]

I'm not, so it's completely irrelevant.